I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There r osticjed everywhere
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
