I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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