toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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