Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
