if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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