so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
