Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
