My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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