I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
