He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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