i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
