She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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