just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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