You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Of course I have a pirate flag
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
