I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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