FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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