I wish I could teleport
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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