I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
