i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
