I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
