I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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