She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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