I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
