It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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