I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
