seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
