My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
