u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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