I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
