I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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