SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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