You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
