Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
