I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
