i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
