there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
