the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
