Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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