I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
