Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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