i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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