these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
