I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
