I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
