What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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