Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
