i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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