if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You work out of a Hotel?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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