maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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