i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
